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Grief

I am the Queen of Letting Go. I can let go of anything and look forward to the future. I have divorced my husbands, I left my original country, I changed my career…. But one thing will always be with me until the day I die and beyond.

My daughter Sarah in 1999. She was thirty one. I am not a stranger to grief, I have unfortunately lost a great number of friends and family over the years but the loss of my own child is worse than anything and everything bad that ever happened to me. The loss of a child, no matter their age, is the worst thing that a parent has to deal with.

Unfortunately in our society we are supposed to ‘get over it and get on with it'. A patient of mine lost her daughter and told me all the things she was doing to feel better: “I am coping” she said unconvincingly, I replied: “Don't cope, FALL APART!”. A neighbour of ours lost her 16 year old son in a horrible accident. She was sedated and committed because she dared to not cope. Mandy a 30 year old woman lost her grandmother she was very close to, she stopped menstruating for a year until she came to me and told me all about her grief. Georgia lost her brother when she was 25, the doctor put her on anti-depressants, when she complained that she felt worse, the doctor increased the dosage; fifteen years later she keeps his picture on the mantelpiece; a member of her family commented: “You still have his photo?” She replied” “He is still my brother”.

Often, in my practice, people explode into tears because of grief they were unable to express at the time of the bereavement because it was expected of them that they “should cope”. They cannot get well until they can express their grief and until their loss is acknowledged. This includes people who have lost pets; many people have and get a lot of love from their animals, yet they are not supposed to be too upset if the budgie dies.

In the western world we hold life so dear that we even keep people alive on support system when they have turned into vegetables; yet, when someone dies we are supposed to keep a stiff upper lip. It does not make sense, either life is important or it's not and if it is, when the life of someone important to us is taken, then we should be allowed to feel this loss to the fullest. By not doing so we create future emotional and physical problems, and we also show a lack of respect to the dead. By expecting the bereaved to “get on with it” we are showing disrespect to their pain. We'd never expect someone who has a broken leg to run, but we expect someone in mourning to behave as if nothing had happened.

Falling Apart, the Best Way to Cope

How do I cope with the loss of my daughter whom I adored? I don't. Since Sarah died I have worked the same as always, I write for magazines, I have written a new book, which is now published, I have planted hundreds more trees on our property, I have acquired five new horses. One could hardly accuse me of “not getting on with it”! I do get on with life, people have no idea about what happened because I never stop laughing and joking like an idiot. In public.

This does not mean that my heart does not ache for the loss of Sarah. Even when I am very happy, there is always a cloud because Sarah won't be part of this happiness. She appears to me in dreams often and this is a great comforting. Sometimes I can think about her or talk about her and be perfectly at peace. But sometimes the pain is as acute as when I first got the news, my heart breaks in a thousand pieces and I think I shall go mad. Then I let it happen, I just cry. I write in a little book that belonged to Sarah, I talk to her, I tell her. When the pain is really unbearable and I may really go mad I just talk my husband or to a friend, that is always enough to diffuse it. They don't have to do anything, they just have to be there.

This brings up another problem: we always think we have to do something to ‘make it better' and we feel awkward and impotent if we don't. We think we have to have words of wisdom; but no words of wisdom can console a mother for the loss of her child; all a mourning person needs is the presence of a friend who simply is there, whether they understand or not. It's that presence and that sympathy that puts a balm on the wound.

The Matter of Guilt

To add insult to injury many people feel guilty when someone close to them dies. “If only” is not just a useless think to think but it can really make the tragedy worse: “if only I stopped him from going out, he wouldn't have had the car accident… if only I had been more strict…less strict… if only I made sure she stopped smoking… if only I had known he was so depressed… if only… if only…” We feel that if we had done things differently they might still be alive. Unfortunately life is not simple, people take the wrong turns all the time, to feel responsible for the death of a loved one not only makes the pain worse, but it deflects from truly grieving the dead and honouring their life.

Honouring both the Dead and your Grief

We have to learn how to express our grief to honour both it and the lost ones. When Helen, 33, lost her father, the best way she found to be close to him was to go and sing Karaoke because this used to be his hobby. When Anthony, who had never set foot in a church, died aged 45; his mates went to the footy and had the obligatory “booze up” because that's what he loved, that was the best memorial service for him. My daughter Sarah was a brilliant dancer, for her ceremony, I danced. I still can't believe that I did it but it seemed the right thing to do and every one there saw Sarah dancing, not me.

Sean committed suicide at the age of 25.. After a few weeks his mother found that as well as being sad she was also very, very angry. She said she felt like she wanted to kill someone or something; she decided to go out and kill weeds, after three hours of ‘killing' lantana, her rage had passed. Shirley and Fred were married for thirty years. She has been dead for three but he still sets the table for her, keeps all her dresses hanging in the closest, and has left things just the way they were and the way she liked them. Laura lost her seven year old son, she also has his room the way it was when he died, his toys are all over the house and his toothbrush is still in the bathroom.

For all the people alive in our lives the future keeps on happening, we shall see them or speak to them tomorrow, next week, in a month; have dinner, buy presents. But for the departed all we have from them is what they have left. Simple objects become relics: their first painting, their jewellery, their pipe. Don't let anyone talk you out of your relics. Do carry a lock of their hair in your bag or in a locket; wear their clothes, keep their ashes under your pillow if you feel like it. You don't have to scatter ashes just because every one else does. I have some of Sarah's ashes in a beautiful glass container which I keep in a little altar and I shall keep those forever; but the rest I use, one teaspoon at a time, every time I plant a new tree, so she can be everywhere.

Many cultures celebrate the Day of the Dead, (All Souls, early November), when I was a kid I used to hate going to all these cemeteries and stand around while my mother and grandmother cleaned up graves and installed fresh flowers. However it is a great idea to have a day for your dead ones, maybe their birthday, but any day you can spend in quiet meditation and reminiscence is fine.  

Don't let anyone bully you out of your grief, don't bully anyone out of their grief. Allowing oneself to feel the pain is not a cop out, just the opposite; by being devastated when you feel devastated prevents you from developing emotional or physical illness which is the only way the organism can process the grief if it is denied. Being sad in your own private time actually allows you to do your very best with the rest of your life.

Acknowledging a loved one's death and your grief about it makes you truly compassionate and understanding about the secrets of the human heart. To keep their memory alive truly celebrates the person they have been, their life and your love for them.

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